Well, I haven’t been doing a great job of updating this thing have I?
Recent weeks have been very strange, and to be honest most confusing to me. I have never been a people person. I can work with people, I can listen to people, but I find it very hard to understand other people. I am almost never able to judge social situations at all, and find it almost impossible to tell when people are mad at me.
So needless to say, my disappearance from here began, as it often does, with a girl. Long story short, I’ve fallen for a friend. Again. How does this always happen to me?! It started as no more than a friendship, until one day it wasn’t just a friendship anymore. And now? I’ve been told we must in fact return now to friend-dom, which is easier said then done. I don’t know how I always managed to fall for the most inappropriate people.
Hence, the last few weeks, my attendance at uni has been terrible and my drinking excessive to state the least. Not to mention the many events whilst drunk that I would rather leave forgotton. And yet somehow I can’t bring myself to regret these recent choices, because what difference will it make?
I’m back home now for Easter, back at work, back to studying. Only the studying bit isn’t going so well, and my exams are inching ever closer. It worries me sometimes. All my life I’ve just winged it, you know? I’ve never really worked hard. Well I’ve worked hard for me, but not compared to those around me. I remember people staying in all day revising at Easter for our GCSE’s or A Levels or whatever. I wouldn’t start til days before, sometimes not even til the night before. And yet I always passed. Well, not just passed even, I’d get the best mark or whatever. I remember my Math’s GCSE very well. It was on a Monday, and I had been discharged from hospital on the Sunday. I literally got home, opened my textbook, realised there was no fucking point, closed it again and fell asleep. I was so high on medication when I took that exam, I’m surprised I could even write my name, let alone answer. I got 98% and it only took me 10 minutes and I have no idea how. In fact, in that very exam I fell asleep much to the distress of the invigilator who woke me up. I was so tired and so ill, I don’t think I ever even checked my answers, just filled in the boxes and passed out.
And yet, everyone has to fail eventually don’t they? What if I fail now? Could I honestly tell myself I worked my hardest? No, of course not. And that’s what scares me, what if I do fail. It won’t be because I’m not smart enough or whatever, it’ll just be because I’m so hopeless. Because I fell in love with the wrong girl at the wrong time and for some perverted reason I’m happy. And happiness always breeds failure. I can be an endlessly high achiever so long as I’m ill and miserable, but give me something to be joyful about and I’ll shove my revision out the window.
Regardless, I doubt I’ll be happy for long, which is I guess a good and bad thing. Said girl has been very strange recently, but due to my complete inability to understand basic human reactions, I have no idea why, or if it’s all in my head. She might be mad at me, who knows? I sure as hell don’t.
On a much more festive note, all this Easter chocolate is making me fat, my diet is a massive failure, but hopefully once I return to uni I will diet better.
Patient Reflections 