I had a colonoscopy last week, that I realise now that I have not discussed. I think all tests I undergo are invaluable experiences for the future, you only know what it’s like when you’ve been there and all that.
When I was 17, I volunteered with a hospital colorectal surgical firm. One of the joys of this was spending a morning watching colonoscopies being carried out. It was mostly the elderly, as it often is with hospitals, and some were moaning with pain throughout. I thought to myself, come on, how painful can a colonoscopy be?
Very. Not only was I giving sedation referred to as “conscious sedation”, where you are still aware of whats going on around you, but it’s like being very, very drunk, I also had to be giving gas and air because I honestly thought the guy was trying to push the goddamn endoscope through my abdomen. It hurt like hell.
Not to put anyone off, it doesn’t hurt like that for everyone, but some people have “looping” of the bowel, which makes it difficult to pass the camera through and hence, painful. I also found it hilarious, as it was like being absolutely wasted, when I saw what I believed to be the end of the large bowel on the screen and exclaimed, “OMG its the ileocecal valve” in officially the most insane voice ever to be used in a colonoscopy ever. To which the consultant just laughed and asked if I’d “revised” for this. I don’t remember my response, I don’t remember a whole lot of it in fact. Much like a very drunk night out!
When it was over I was glad, they gave me some tea which I then proceeded to vomit everywhere. I then managed to beg for some antiemetics and for my cannula to be removed before I did it myself. I’m very anti-cannulars, they really freak me out. I then got a taxi home and pretty much passed out for a good eight hours.
The procedure itself was by no means the worst part. That was almost the fun part with its drunk like inducing drugs and hysterical laughter. The preparation is the worst.
In order to actually be able to have a camera inserted where the sun don’t shine, you must have the bowels completely empty. To achieve this, I was given the world’s most vile tasting solution ever conceived. And to make matters worse, I had to drink four litres of the stuff within 5 hours. My recommendation for anyone who has to this is simple. Buy some lime juice and a shot glass and then chase down every sip with some lime. I don’t know if you’re supposed to have lime juice, but at the time I really didn’t care. It was either that or not drink the liquid. And at any rate my bowel was very clear. I was about two litres in when I had finally discovered this technique. After a good old bout of retching, I decided to use the lime juice, but I drank it before each sip. It helped a little, but the real problem was the after taste. Once I’d found the magical solution of a chaser of lime, it was smooth sailing.
The only good thing to say about the prep is that it made me so nauseated that at least I didn’t notice how hungry I was!
All in all, colonoscopies are not the most pleasant of experiences, but still way better than the endoscope I had done on my stomach. When that consultant hands you that consent form asking you if you’d like to be sedated for god sakes say yes. I didn’t and I still have the nightmares.
Patient Reflections 